ÅRT | i cut
whilst what was in the 'i ache' post was done on purpose and i fully consented the irrationality of my act hiding behind some higher, profound idea and reason for doing so, this post is a plain documentation of those unwillingly done measures against my own body. in fact, 'i cut' was done earlier than 'i ache', sometime in the beginning of November already, and it led to the idea of 'i ache', but i somehow haven't managed to publish it earlier than now.
i said i did 'i ache' to find out some things. maybe i should answer those questions now.
it hurt. it hurt a lot and it began to be very uncomfortable after the first two letters and i wished to stop but knew i wanted to finish it. i didn't feel any relief or sense of self-punishment, it was just annoying.
the scars are still there, but they are disappearing slowly.
people seem to understand that specific act; but at the same time do not understand at all.
i guess i do strive for self-destruction in many ways, not only the physical ones.
it didn't really resemble the depression-induced cutting, therefore cannot be compared with it.
however, self-destruction is a form of creation, too.
i haven't done it since 'i ache'.
the urges came a few times though.
therefore, the 'cut' in the title is (and will be) in the past tense only.
and you know, cutting my own skin was an unnoticable pain compared to how painful it was to read all the comments from people who suffer from the same problem.
to all of you alike,
try to be strong,
even though it seems so hard.