18/01/2015

ÅRT | i cut

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whilst what was in the 'i ache' post was done on purpose and i fully consented the irrationality of my act hiding behind some higher, profound idea and reason for doing so, this post is a plain documentation of those unwillingly done measures against my own body. in fact, 'i cut' was done earlier than 'i ache', sometime in the beginning of November already, and it led to the idea of 'i ache', but i somehow haven't managed to publish it earlier than now.

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i said i did 'i ache' to find out some things. maybe i should answer those questions now.
it hurt. it hurt a lot and it began to be very uncomfortable after the first two letters and i wished to stop but knew i wanted to finish it. i didn't feel any relief or sense of self-punishment, it was just annoying.
the scars are still there, but they are disappearing slowly.
people seem to understand that specific act; but at the same time do not understand at all.
i guess i do strive for self-destruction in many ways, not only the physical ones.
it didn't really resemble the depression-induced cutting, therefore cannot be compared with it.
however, self-destruction is a form of creation, too.

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anyways,
i haven't done it since 'i ache'.
the urges came a few times though.

therefore, the 'cut' in the title is (and will be) in the past tense only.

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and you know, cutting my own skin was an unnoticable pain compared to how painful it was to read all the comments from people who suffer from the same problem.
to all of you alike,
try to be strong,
even though it seems so hard.

2 comments:

  1. I did cut myself quite a lot in my life, actually, until I learned not to let people who will hurt me to the point of me wanting to cover the pain in my heart with the pain of the cuts so close to myself. Since then, I am a much happier person, I could say, although having bipolar disorder is hard and the depression is sometimes really really bad and the thoughts of cutting sometimes come to my mind. But I am proud to say I haven't cut for over three months now and if it comes to me, I am holding on to my friends and to art and to the good things in my life rather than the pain and the urge to cut my skin open is not so strong anymore. And that's good.

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  2. Taky jsem si tím prošla a také mám občas furt nutkání. Ale mé deprese tu stejně furt jsou, jen mě ted víc tíží rakovina (v 18 letech, to mam z té nenávisti k sobě), než se trestat ještě víc.
    Asi "nejlepší" bylo to, že jsem ty rány cejtila několik dní potom. I přes to, že jsem si nic nedělala, furt to pod proudem vody svědilo, bolelo, v botach (mé "postižené" místo byl kotník) také. Furt jsem to cítila. A když to přestalo, šlo to od začátku... A když jsem si řekla "stop", tak jsem věci, se kterým jsem si ubližovala, odkládala z dosahu očí.
    Ale někdy ten šuplík otevřu a přemýšlím, jestli použít, či ne. Zatím jsem silnější. A přeji to i tobě! A snažím se být více pozitivní! I když mám dny (většinu dní), kdy se cejtím jako největší odpad světa.
    (můj první koment ever, i přes to, že už tě sleduju hrozně dlouho.)

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ain't got time for your hate / no giveway or any promotions / THANKS FOR YOUR NICE WORDS.