BODY IMAGE | childhood & body shame

TW: weight loss, eating disorders

2016-05-25 10.37.03

dear mom, i love you—and i know you're reading this—, but you are one of the reasons why my relationship with my own body used to be (and sometimes still is) quite bad. dear grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, and all the other family members, you are to blame too.
dear teachers from primary and grammar school, you are not innocent either.
and it goes all the way back to my childhood.
all of you who were supposed to set a positive example to me as a small, unknowing kid: you failed a lot.
i remember how my mom used to tell me how she hated her body when she was a teenager because she was tall, skinny, and had no breasts. i remember how weight loss/gain would be one of the first things that would be discussed on family gatherings, i remember the razor-sharp slurs shaming one's food choices in relation to their body types, i remember hearing how one 'could not wear' this and that because they were 'too fat' for it. i remember my teacher commenting on how much weight i had lost after a serious mononucleosis when i was 12, stating that she used to think i would become chubby, but wow, i was 'so skinny now'.
i remember it all and i know that it played a huge role in why i later decided to punish my body with only eating a piece of fruit and a low-fat yoghurt each day, and why i still sometimes struggle with my stomach rolls, why i keep on checking the size of my breasts, and why i'll probably never get rid of the idea that my thighs are too thick.

dear caretakers, i know i cannot blame you. i know you were probably raised the same way, and it's incredibly internalized in you. you have probably struggled with the same thing for ages.
you don't want to hate your body, but you do, because you have always been told to.


some of you reading this might already be parents, some of you might feel like becoming one soon.
i am neither, but i do think a lot about how i'd raise a child to make sure they'd grow up as a confident, self-loving person that know their worth. and i am sure about one thing – no body shaming will be allowed! i don't want to ruin another life with constant self-monitoring, self-hating, and self-reducing to skin and fat. i don't want to slam my own or someone else's body, i don't want to limit my own or the child's diet to achieve a certain body ideal, i do not want to put the food blame and guilt onto anyone else.
many don't realize how much trouble can a single word, or a single, scathing sentence to be precise, cause. but, really, words are sometimes more harmful than thousands of actions.

i've read a bunch of articles on the topic, which helped a lot in identifying what and how those i used to look up to managed to damage my own sense of body measures, but also in getting some tips what to do to prevent doing the same mistakes.
here's a small list:
1. do not slam your own body
2. do not negatively comment on your child's body (changes)
3. do not laugh at, despise, or shame in any other way other people's body
4. do not praise ill-conceived weight-loss diets, do not force yourself or your child into them
5. do not set 'ideal' body types, rather teach about the beauty (and importance!) of diversity
6. do not present physical activity as a way to lose weight
7. do not let others to shame you, your child, or anyone else
+ encourage body positivity, of course!

here are two more articles i found really helpful:
here & here

just remember – if you don't try to overcome your own body shame, how can you stop others? i know it's goddamn hard, but we all can at least try.


REMIX | i love berlin

2016-09-18 16.43.152016-07-27 19.01.452016-09-07 20.36.53-1

i just realized it's been 3 weeks since i last wrote here. it's been almost 4 months since i last posted a 'remix' post with a life update of sorts.
i'm gonna try and catch up on that a bit, even though it probably makes no difference.

i've been in Berlin for almost 5 months now. wow.
even though it might seem like i'm having the time of my life now, the truth is it's been a very hard time. since arriving here, i've been struggling with my own mental health quite a lot, which was both caused and worsened by this uncertain Berlin lifestyle i have. suddenly, a lot of simple tasks have become everyday battles. it took me 5 months to finish a single book. i started watching a TV series and spent a lot of time procrastinating; which is something i had always been very resentful of. my diet was suddenly made up of instant noodles, up to that point when i almost fainted at a festival because my body was just not nourished enough to cope. at the same time, i was having two (unpaid, of course) internships at once and a lot of visitors in my room in a flat i shared with a very toxic flatmate. i also took over Kink.cz and had to write an internship report for uni (and travelled to Copenhagen twice because of it). i changed my hairstyle and started wearing mom jeans instead the tightest ones you can get. i moved from Neukölln to Friedrichshain, and from Friedrichshain to Wedding. at times, i would only listen to cheesy Czech songs from the 00s on repeat. i once wrote to my diary (yes, i started writing a diary, and neglected that too): 'i have become all i've ever hated.' even though i know this is definitely not true and that this is just a passing phase of my life, there is something to it.

now that i've finished all the 9 series of that TV show and my body physically craves fresh veggies when looking at the shiny instant noodles packaging; now that i've finished both my internships and passed my exam and i am about to write my Bachelor thesis; now that i've met a lot of great and talented people and going out and not meeting anyone i know feels weird (and not the other way around, like it used to be); now that i finally have a permanent place to stay, now that i've managed Kink for a while and can feel proud when looking on the front page; i feel like something has to change.
i still have no idea what i will do next (well i know i will be visiting a lot of sex shops because my BA thesis is about queering sex shop advertising), but i have a feeling it's gonna figure itself out.


GNDR | menstruation talks

TW: menstruation

the taboo surrounding talking about menstruation is definitely loosening up, which is absolutely great, but i would still like to address a somewhat problematic issue related to it.

menstrual health, just like any other health-related thing, is a topic the pharmaceutical/beauty industry is milking till the very last drop, and thus there's a lot of nasty marketing incorporated to make us feel like we have to use exactly this specific product or else we'll suffer through the every single minute of our menstruation. however, this is not only a thing of the commercial, capitalist world of the tampon and intimate wash (did you know that these actually cause more harm than help?) brands, there's also a certain policing coming from within the feminist/eco community.

what the hell am i talking about? the fact that there's way too much discussion about what the 'best' menstrual hygiene product is, yet there is nothing like that. there are a lot of lowkey-shaming articles about how much you destroy the planet when you use disposable tampons/pad, which is of course true, yet there's very little acknowledgement that menstrual cups are not the best fit for everyone, being it due to comfort, shame, religion or any other personal belief. menstruation politics, however liberating it might appear, still tends to police menstruating bodies heavily, which is not progressive at all.

thus, i would just like to say one thing:
no matter if you let your blood flow loose or collect it via any kind of menstrual hygiene product, it is your body and your menstrual blood, and you decide what you do with it. of course, there needs to be a certain responsibility in (all) our consumerist choices, but your own health and comfort should be the most important in this case.